Awaited By Love

Yesterday was the feast of one of the patrons of The Face of Mercy.  St. Josephine Bahkita is both a great model for those suffering with mental illness and a great instructor for the rest on how to be compassionate to those who are. 

St. Josephine Bakhita’s story is one I feel completely lost to do justice to. When I was young, I read her story in a very detailed picture book and all I remembered were the account of her torture.  It was only a few years ago that I was reintroduced to her through Dawn Eden’s book on healing: My Peace I Give to You.  Reading that book, and in particular, Bahkita’s story was profound for me. This little African girl’s childhood was blissful until at the age of 7 she was kidnapped and sold into slavery.  The trauma shook her so profoundly she forgot her own name.  The kidnappers called her Bahkita (Lucky), a name likely given in irony, that seems to have foreshadowed God’s hand in her life.  

In this book, the author, Dawn Eden, details particular abuses that little Bahkhita suffered that parallel experiences of those who survive sexual abuse or temptations to self-harm.  More than those experiences though, “what truly makes Bakhita a patron for all who have endured affliction is not that she was a slave, but that she was redeemed. If her early life was a case study in abuse and suffering, her adult life, as we will see, is a case study in healing and forgiveness” (In Search of Peace, Dawn Eden).
            I was given this book by a sister of life early in my own journey of healing and therapy, likely around the time that I received a trauma-related diagnosis.  Many aspects of Bakhita’s trauma, particularly her disruptions in memory, evidence that she suffered from nightmares of her trauma, and a lack of ability to be happy even after she was freed from slavery resonated.  So too, did her profound peace and joy in a relationship with Christ.  When Bakhita was introduced to Christianity “she heard that there is a [master] above all masters, the Lord of all lords, and that this Lord is good, goodness in person.  She came to know that this Lord even knew her, that he had created her—that he actually loved her...she was known and loved and she was awaited” (Spe Salvi, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI).  Bakhita made a stand for her own freedom and remained with the sisters in Italy who had introduced her to Christ, taking the name Josephine Margaret Fortunata (a variant of Bakhita) at Baptism. 
            The horizon of her life was fundamentally changed by encountering the love of Christ.  She was freed of external slavery and internal pain that also held her captive.  And she wanted that love to be shared and modeled for everyone! The quotes she is remembered for are ones that speak of the immense love of God, our need to be compassionate, and a forgiveness of all those who harmed her.

“Be good, love the Lord, pray for those who do not know Him. What a great grace it is to know God!” 

“The Lord has loved me so much, we must love everyone, we must be compassionate!”

“I am definitively loved- and whatever happens to me- I am awaited by this Love. And so, my life is good.”

St. Josephine Bakhita, pray for us!

How to Find a Therapist (and does he need to be Catholic)?

The first time I called a therapist I was shaking. He asked why I wanted therapy and sent me a 10+ page form to fill out, both of which asked what my presenting concerns were. I no longer remember what I wrote, just that my first thought was, why am I doing this? I had sought discernment advice from a priest and now here I was a few weeks later calling the psychologist’s number on the card he gave me.
     The second time I was looking for a therapist I called three therapists at random from a list on my insurance. While talking on the phone to the only one who called me back, I asked how the heck I was supposed to know what therapist to choose. And he told me to pick someone I was comfortable asking questions of and who actually called me back.  So logically, I picked him, and made the most progress in 5 months of therapy I have made to date! Moving frequently, I have been in the unique position of finding therapists at least 6 times in the years I have been going. I’d love to share some tips, both from my own experience and recommendations I have gotten from currently practicing clinicians, about how to start your search!

How to Find a Therapist:

• Do some research and shopping around. Why are you looking for a therapist? This matters greatly!  Therapists, like any professionals, have a range of specialties. You want to pick someone who is knowledgeable about the topics you want to talk about. There are also a range of modalities, or methods of treatment, that can be used. Some are incredibly common, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Each has pros and cons and things they are best used to treat. I’ll list some of that kind of information below, and NAMI or PsychologyToday have additional information on types of therapy and what they best treat.
  

Anxiety- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Psychodynamic Therapy (deep rooted anxieties)
Depression- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Psychodynamic, Interpersonal Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT)
Trauma- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic, EMDR (not for everyone or every situation), Somatic Therapy
Addiction- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Motivational Interviewing
Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), specifically a subtypeof this called Exposure and Response Prevention
Emotional Dysregulation – Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

•  There are different kinds of therapy? I’m not sure that I realized this until I had a therapist dismiss me. I had finished the work that I could do with him, though he recommended I seek out an alternative therapist later to do some deeper work.  Here is a very brief explanation of what the terms above mean. The first is Psychodynamic. This treatment of talk therapy is focused on the internal dynamic processes that influence our person. It involves developing self-awareness and seeing how past experiences are affecting the present. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is focused on the thoughts that influence our behavior and emotions.  It is a very skill-based therapy, that emphasizes changing or challenging one’s thoughts in order to change.  The strength of CBT is in it’s wide application and the results that can easily be seen in daily life and overall functioning.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy is an offshoot of CBT, that is incredibly helpful for learning to manage emotions and handle discomfort or conflict.

• What do all those abbreviations mean? Therapist is the broadest term, but the field of mental health has many degrees and licensing distinctions within it. While some terms denote more education before licensure, a lot depends on what the mental health professional does after graduation for continuing education and trainings. Making it even more confusing, the licensure process is different for every state! A brief overview of terms can be found here: https://www.nami.org/learn-more/treatment/types-of-mental-health-professionals
  Most important is to be sure that the therapist you are seeing is licensed to do the work they are doing or is training and supervised by a licensed therapist. Life coaching is currently an unregulated field and often people marketing themselves as coaches are working in the same areas as mental health professionals.

• You do not need a Christian or Catholic therapist. Most Catholics I know consider it a requirement that their therapist needs to hold the same religious beliefs.  This presumption can be unnecessarily limiting.  From personal experience, it can be wonderful to have someone who understands your religious practice. However, the therapist who helped me with some of the most foundational work, helping me be capable of trust never gave me an indication of his religious beliefs. Any competent, well-trained therapist will be respectful of your religious beliefs. If they aren’t, report them and leave.
  A few reasons and topics it may be more important to stick with a Catholic perspective: sexuality issues, including pornography use and same-sex attraction, or scrupulosity.

• Fit matters. Perhaps my biggest regret in my own therapy journey is not knowing this sooner. I wasted time with the first therapist I sought out on my own (versus the one I saw in undergrad because he was on campus and free). I thought since he was highly recommended any problems in our dynamic must have been my fault. I stayed and saw little to no growth in that therapy relationship. You need someone you can trust and can see yourself telling your deepest, darkest secret to without being judged or shamed. That obviously takes time to get to. After 2-3 sessions if you aren’t warming up to the person, go with your gut!

• You are in control. If there is something you don’t want to talk about, feel free to set that boundary in therapy. Your therapist may tell you they can’t work around it, but more likely they will be willing to meet you where you are. If therapy is exhausting you or boring you or you really hate coming, talk to your therapist.  If the therapist is defensive or doesn’t give you room to speak about difficulties in the dynamic between you, then leave. It isn’t a good place for healing if you can’t talk about what is happening in the room. Likely whatever you are struggling with and healing from has left you feeling out of control and helpless, however when it comes to therapy you are the biggest component of the healing. You, what you want and how you are feeling, matters.

• Looking for a therapist near you? I usually start with either https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists or my in-network insurance list. I browse therapists, note anyone who seems to have expertise I like, pick 4 or 5 and call them. Generally only half get back and I set up initial appointments with both. If you are dead set on a Catholic Therapist you can check this list: https://www.catholictherapists.com/find-a-therapist, contact your diocese to see if they have recommendations, or look for practicing Catholic therapists advertising themselves as such.

I am sorry

I am sorry.

If you struggle with anxiety & were told you must not trust Jesus enough, I’m sorry.

If you were in a season of depression & it was explained away as spiritual dryness or desolation, I’m sorry.

If you were told Catholics don’t need therapy if they go to confession, I’m sorry.

If your struggle was made light of or dismissed, I’m sorry.

If your intense symptoms were labeled as ‘crazy’ and those in the Church abandoned you, I’m sorry.

If you were told to offer up your sufferings when you really needed comfort and compassion, I’m sorry.

If your mental illness was explained as sinfulness or weak will on your part, I’m sorry.

If you have doubted God’s love for you both because of your mental illness and the lack of love from His Church, I’m sorry.

You are precious and beloved. You deserve to be loved as you are, most especially in seasons of struggle, by Mother Church. If you have been told any of these lies, I call them out for you as lies and not the teaching of the Church. Maybe it wasn’t these exact words, but you still faced misunderstanding, rejection, and a lack of the hospitable compassion you needed, please recognize it as failings of me and other representatives of Christ. There is a place for you in the Church. The Father loves you- as you are and where you are. Know my prayer is that you can find a community that represents His love well, allowing you to experience the belonging and love that is your right as a child of God.

November Thoughts

**This post speaks freely about suicidal thoughts. Please use caution reading if this touches on your own story. If you or someone you know is currently in crisis please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800- 273-8255 or go to your nearest emergency room.** 

November has a somber tone in the Church. The end of the liturgical year and the focus on the souls in purgatory combined lead to much reflection on death and the life to come.   At this point, I feel led to write about something that is very quiet in Church circles, suicide.  While the last twenty-five years or so have seen a huge movement towards removing the cultural taboo around suicide, it is still a very private pain and one that is difficult to discuss.  It is a difficult topic, affecting many, both those who have suffered the loss of a loved one by suicide and those who feel the unique distress of wanting not to live. I think many times, when this is discussed in a religious context, something of the heartbreaking pain of someone wanting to end their own life is lost.  The last few years of my life have caused me to dive into this area more and more. Since I was 18, I’ve had friends struggling with depression, the spectrum of these thoughts ranging from a general misery feeding a lack of desire for life to friends calling me as they make attempts against their life. It is heartbreaking to helplessly, or at least feeling helpless, to witness another’s pain.  Even worse is to sit with one’s own pain, feeling powerless against these intruding thoughts.  This struggle may seem so far from the lives of the saints. However, these are the stories I want to dive into today of saints that are familiar with these temptations and can be intercessors for those grieving and struggling. 

         Edith Stein before her conversion found herself in a place contemplating suicide.  She at one point wrote of these temptations, “I gradually worked myself into a real despair...I could no longer cross the street without wishing that a car would run over me...and I would not come out alive...” (unfortunately, haven’t found a citation for this yet).  After this point, she found the Catholic Faith and found some comfort in the unique perspective that the Cross offers to our own suffering. Since Christ gave His life for us, the measure of love is that same readiness to give of self, to suffer.  His entering into our humanity allows us to unite our sufferings with His, to be part of the work of redemption (Col 1:24; CCC 618).  Another fierce modern woman (almost) saint, Servant of God Dorothy Day, had similar struggles.  Dorothy attempted suicide twice after having an abortion and her current partner leaving her.  It later was through her next pregnancy that she had the grace and courage to become Catholic.  Even after finding God and her great work for the poor, her life was still marked by a measure of melancholy and effects of her earlier trauma (My Peace I Give You, pgs. 128- 132).  

While the above stories are of despair and desire for death leading the individuals to God, there are many old testament stories of similar struggle in those who were faithful to God.  Several Old Testament figures prayed for death, including Tobit (Tobit 3:6), Sara (Tobit 3:10-15), and Elijah (1 Kings 19:4-5).  In these stories, we see God come through, meeting their misery with healing and his presence, through the angel Raphael or granting Elijah both rest and to hear His Voice more clearly.  

Two more modern saints struggled with suicidal ideation in their life while living striving for holiness.  St. Faustina wrote about here struggles quite clearly in her diary. Here is her account: “Once I took upon myself a terrible temptation which one of our students in the house at Warsaw was going through.  It was the temptation of suicide.  For seven days I suffered; and after the seven days Jesus granted her the grace which was being asked, and then my suffering also ceased.  It was a great suffering. I often take upon myself the torments of our students. Jesus permits me to do this, and so do my confessors” (Divine Mercy in My Soul, p 192).  While unique in that Faustina felt this temptation as one she was taking so another did not have to bear it, it shows the depth of suffering that thoughts of suicide can have, even for one who is close to God and relying on prayer.  Lastly, I want to mention St. Therese.  It is fairly well known that at the end of her life she experienced great trials and particularly felt far from God.  This trial also included contemplating suicide as is documented by a thorough psychological profile of her life: “On Easter Sunday, 1896, she experienced an intense spiritual separation from God. It was a great trial of faith. This final separation would last 18 months until the end of her life, with only a few respites. It was during this separation she came to under- stand the temptation of suicide, the reality of the devil, and the growing evils of her times” (Vitz & Lynch, 2007, Link to Full Paper).  

If you are struggling with suicide, I hope that these men and women can be intercessors for you and offer you hope that God is close even in this pain.  If you have seen suicidal thoughts as a sign that a person is not close to or desiring holiness, I hope that these stories spark an interest in learning more about this suffering that others are experiencing.  If you have lost a loved one to suicide, may these stories help you to trust in God’s merciful love and His desire to bring about healing in your pain as well. 

More resources can be found at the lifeline’s website.  This includes a simple overview of how to walk with someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts and resources if you yourself are struggling: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

Patron Saints of Mental Illness

Today is one of my favorite feast days, a day of celebrating the fact that Heaven is not far from us, that there is a community there cheering us on, and that each one of us is called to holiness! Recently, I have realized how blessed I was to be taught from earliest childhood that I was created capable of and called to holiness. My own mental health struggles really have never shaken that core belief.  Sure, anxiety and depression necessitate that my particular path of holiness looks different sometimes, that my development in virtue is often in response to the unseen internal struggles.  Holiness, according to St. Thomas Aquinas, has to do with setting oneself firmly for God and directing one’s life to Him.  Mental illness does not keep one from making that firm resolution towards God in any way! In celebration of today’s feast, here are snippets about seven saints who struggled with mental illness and are recognized for their holiness! 

St. Louis Martin
This father of a saint is primarily known for the devotion to the Faith he taught and encouraged in his daughters, most especially Therese.  In his later life, he suffered from dementia and paranoia.  After many occurrences of him running away in his disorientation, he was sent to a mental asylum.  In lucid moments, Louis accepted this trial as a way of growing in humility.

St. Therese of Lisieux  

Much has been written about St. Therese of Lisieux, and those accounts often mention her particular sensitivities.  From a young age, she showed particular distress being separated from those she loved and a tendency towards anxiety.  The most thorough research on her life indicates that she may have had an anxiety disorder related to separation/perceived abandonment (see additional reading below).  This very struggle was the basis for her spirituality, the “Little Way,” that earned her the title of Doctor of the Church.  Gradually, over the course of her life, Therese was able to take her particular need for security in relationships into her relationship with Christ, to seek that comfort first from Him.  

St. Alphonsa Muttathupadatha 

            Alphonsa was a religious sister. Her life was marked by suffering, but most especially the effects of a trauma disorder after her convent was invaded by a thief. For over a year after that incident, she. suffered the loss of memory, reading ability, and writing ability. Between that and other illnesses, Alphonsa was not often able to perform teaching duties. Yet, her life was marked by her uniting these sufferings and limitations with Christ’s suffering.  

St. Jane Frances de Chantal

            Jane suffered from depression for most of her life.  The sudden, accidental death of her husband left her suffering for decades. In writing about this experience, she mentioned a variety of distressingtemptations and that she was no longer like herself.  It was through Jane’s struggle that she became friends and a spiritual directee of St. Francis de Sales.  Her spirituality, with his direction, provided a way of holiness that meant confronting her depression with virtue.  This path never cured her depression, even if it did at times alleviate symptoms.  Her struggles enabled her to extend empathy and gentleness to those around her, the virtues most accounted for in her saint biographies.  

St. Benedict Joseph Labre

There is no consensus about what mental illness Benedict Joseph suffered, but given how apparent it was to others and his decision to be homeless there seem to be some parallels to the modern diagnosis of schizophrenia. This young man desired to enter religious life as a brother, but was rejected from several orders for being unstable or not fit for the life.  He spent the rest of his life homeless and unknown.  Labre’s mental illness determined much of the aspects of his life yet he lived a life of prayer and holiness in spite of his limitations.  

Venerable Matt Talbot

Matt Talbot started drinking around age 12 or 13 and quickly became an addict.  His addiction took over his life very quickly and he was not at all inclined to change it for over a decade.  When he did decide to change in his 30’s, Matt realized quickly that the temptation to go back to drink was constant.  He found a replacement for his old social habits by going to Mass frequently and turning to prayer.  This temptation to drink remained with him for the rest of his life, despite his maintaining sobriety.  His perspective was one acknowledging his own weakness and the grace available in Christ: “Never be too hard on the man who can’t give up drink.  It’s as hard to give up the drink as it is to raise the dead to life again. But both are possible and even easy for our Lord. We have only to depend on him.” 

St. Oscar Romero 

            St. Oscar Romero, archbishop of San Salvador, is the most recently canonized saint on this list.  He also is the only person I have found diagnosed with a mental health disorder, according to modern standards, in his life.  Oscar was noted by many for having a difficult personality. He was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.  In treating this mental illness, Romero both worked on spiritual resolutions and sought long-term therapy.  While his illness made him prone to excessive fear and rigidity, he methodically worked on developing opposite virtues.  Despite this intense, lifelong struggle, Oscar Romero through himself into living out his call and mission as priest and bishop until his martyrdom. 

May these saints be patrons to all those who struggle with mental illness.  May these saints help each of us in the Church to see the good and strength of those struggling! May they be intercessors for us all, helping us in our weakness (CCC 495) and reminding us that all of us, regardless of our struggles are called to perfection through holiness (CCC 2013).  

All you holy men & women, pray for us! 

Further Reading:

Read more about St. Louis Martin

Read more about St. Therese of Lisieux

Read more about St. Alphonsa

Read more about St. Jane Frances de Chantal

Read more about Ven. Matt Talbot

Read more about St. Oscar Romero

***Everything about these saints’ lives may not be imitable.  Certainly, those who were relying solely on prayer and faith to cope would have benefited greatly from the availability of mental health services as well. I was particularly glad to find the story of St. Oscar Romero for this reason, since in his life we see such a blend of seeking help from mental health services and Catholic tradition/practices! 

The Invitation in Distress

Last night, I heard a priest, Fr. D, talk about his past struggles with mental distress and self-mutilation in a holy hour reflection. I cried the entire time he was speaking. 
     This is a man whom I have only heard speak a few times, but feel a deep kinship with.  He is raw and real in his prayers; he clearly speaks in prayer to One he intimately knows. Hearing this part of his story something in me broke.  The pain he described that led him to cut, the distress and despair is something I know all too well, not just in the past but in the present.  It hit me hard that in my 28 years of being Catholic- countless Masses, numerous retreats, discernment ventures, and work as a missionary- I’d never heard a religious sister or priest share this kind of deep struggle with mental illness or distress. 

     It had been a bad day yesterday and hearing this priest, this man standing in the place of Christ speak of a very similar distress in his own life was incredibly consoling.  Knowing I am not alone in the Church, knowing that he gets it, and even more, the One he represents understands. True, these were struggles that were in his past. In a moment of particular despair, Fr. D had asked God to prove His existence and He did. In coming to Faith, his distress and wounds were healed. The scars remain though. Fr. D spoke about how much those marks on his arms remind him of the great transformation the Divine Physician has brought about and about the need he has for mercy and grace. 

The struggle & mental distress doesn’t always end once we know God and His Love for us.  Today’s reading (Jonah 4:1-11) from the story of Jonah gives evidence to that:

“[Jonah] prayed, ‘I beseech you, LORD,
is not this what I said while I was still in my own country?
This is why I fled at first to Tarshish.
I knew that you are a gracious and merciful God,
slow to anger, rich in clemency, loath to punish.
And now, LORD, please take my life from me;
for it is better for me to die than to live.’” 

At first, this passage struck me as different from any experience of mental illness or distress that I am familiar with. Jonah is horrified at God’s goodness, that He would deign to forgive the atrocious sins of the Ninevites.  Out of anger he would rather die than live with this truth.  As I sat with this passage in prayer though, I realized how much our reactions to mental illness in the Church often reflect this same resistance to let God be God. It is uncomfortable to realize that we are not in control. It is so easy to slip into thinking that we can earn God’s love by being good and doing all the right things.  Once we are following Him our lives will be continually blessed with success and abundance.  Distress, homelessness, poverty, and mental illness are not found if we are honestly praying and following God’s will.  Like Jonah, we run from truths that challenge our conception of God and what it means to follow Him.  Jonah had already tried to run from this mission. Now, it was successful and he was angry at God for the conversions that came.

Maybe Jonah wanted a sense of control in a life that so often seems chaotic.  
Maybe Jonah was angry at someone who hurt him and wanted to know God would bring about justice and not forgiveness.
Maybe Jonah was scared to admit that God really loved him, even if he were to sin as much as those Ninevites did. 

     Regardless, God was not going to let Jonah stay there. He used this mission and the Ninevites to challenge Jonah to grow, to expand his vision of who God is and how loved he himself was.  We don’t know how Jonah responded to this correction God gave him. This is our time though, how do we respond in knowing that God’s mercy is available to those who do all the Catholic things and those that struggle with the basics? How can we reconcile that God is gracious and merciful, and yet our struggles with depression and anxiety remain? Do we view those who are struggling with mental illness as responsible for their own pain as a way of building a false security that it can’t happen to us? Wherever you are in your journey, God extends an invite to you today to grow a bit closer to Him.

Maybe your mental health struggles are in the past, completely healed by Christ.  Take a moment today to reflect on how that distress brought you closer to God.
Maybe you are struggling day-to-day or minute by minute with mental illness.  Be reassured that Christ is there, with you and around you as you struggle. 
Maybe you have never been touched by mental illness. Pray for those who are and ask the Father how you can allow their struggles to bring you closer to Him.

First Post

It is with great joy that I launch this ministry & website! The idea for a ministry along these lines has been brewing for years. It is wrapped up in my story, particularly the growth and healing that Jesus has been directing the last 5 years. I’m sure in the course of this dialogue I will share my own struggles and healings with mental health and the faith. More than my own story, though, this work is inspired by the women I walked with as a missionary. Every time I’ve hesitated to start this work, I think back to the moment I first saw with clarity why it was needed.

It was my second year as a missionary, and I was meeting Isabella (name changed) for the first time. Isabella was a lovely girl, struggling with an anxiety disorder and a large dose of Catholic guilt when I met her. She had reached out to a friend with her current anxiety about living the Faith and her life choices. That friend introduced her to me.

As we talked, Isabella’s anxiety was palpable. She no longer was living the teaching of the Church, though there was still some draw to God. Currently though she felt her sins were unforgivable and had a view of a God ready to condemn. My heart broke! This woman had every right as a baptized Catholic to know the Father’s love. Both the way she had been instructed in the Faith and her anxiety kept her from knowing and receiving that love. In the moment, I couldn’t reconstruct her view of God. She had come by this image of a God ready to judge in twenty some years in a Catholic family and education system. Introducing something new would take time. Isabella was in therapy, but her therapist in trying to alleviate her anxiety was pushing her away from religion. She needed someone to walk with her who understood God as loving, the effects of anxiety in her life, and how to help her meet God in that anxiety.
For months I prayed, not certain Isabella and I would talk more. Praised be to God she joined a Bible study and I was able to introduce her to the love of the Father, a good Father who walks with us and understands our weakness.
This type of story was not rare in my three years as a missionary, though Isabella stuck in my heart most. Women told me of struggles with body image, anxiety, depression, sexual assault, PTSD, and compulsive disorders. I loved them but often knew how ill equipped I was to walk with them in this part of their lives. As a representative of Christ’s Church, I also knew that my inability to walk with them well had the potential to reflect on Christ’s ability to know, understand, and meet them in these struggles.
This is the hope of The Face of Mercy, to equip the Church, that is you and me, to be able to love like Christ. There are many marginalized groups that we as a Church love well. In the area of serving those with mental illness or injury, the secular world is leaps ahead of us. This should never be the case!
Join me here weekly (God-willing!) for posts intended to start conversations about how we as a Church can grow our hearts to extend the mercy of the Father to all we meet!