**This post speaks freely about suicidal thoughts. Please use caution reading if this touches on your own story. If you or someone you know is currently in crisis please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800- 273-8255 or go to your nearest emergency room.**
November has a somber tone in the Church. The end of the liturgical year and the focus on the souls in purgatory combined lead to much reflection on death and the life to come. At this point, I feel led to write about something that is very quiet in Church circles, suicide. While the last twenty-five years or so have seen a huge movement towards removing the cultural taboo around suicide, it is still a very private pain and one that is difficult to discuss. It is a difficult topic, affecting many, both those who have suffered the loss of a loved one by suicide and those who feel the unique distress of wanting not to live. I think many times, when this is discussed in a religious context, something of the heartbreaking pain of someone wanting to end their own life is lost. The last few years of my life have caused me to dive into this area more and more. Since I was 18, I’ve had friends struggling with depression, the spectrum of these thoughts ranging from a general misery feeding a lack of desire for life to friends calling me as they make attempts against their life. It is heartbreaking to helplessly, or at least feeling helpless, to witness another’s pain. Even worse is to sit with one’s own pain, feeling powerless against these intruding thoughts. This struggle may seem so far from the lives of the saints. However, these are the stories I want to dive into today of saints that are familiar with these temptations and can be intercessors for those grieving and struggling.
Edith Stein before her conversion found herself in a place contemplating suicide. She at one point wrote of these temptations, “I gradually worked myself into a real despair...I could no longer cross the street without wishing that a car would run over me...and I would not come out alive...” (unfortunately, haven’t found a citation for this yet). After this point, she found the Catholic Faith and found some comfort in the unique perspective that the Cross offers to our own suffering. Since Christ gave His life for us, the measure of love is that same readiness to give of self, to suffer. His entering into our humanity allows us to unite our sufferings with His, to be part of the work of redemption (Col 1:24; CCC 618). Another fierce modern woman (almost) saint, Servant of God Dorothy Day, had similar struggles. Dorothy attempted suicide twice after having an abortion and her current partner leaving her. It later was through her next pregnancy that she had the grace and courage to become Catholic. Even after finding God and her great work for the poor, her life was still marked by a measure of melancholy and effects of her earlier trauma (My Peace I Give You, pgs. 128- 132).
While the above stories are of despair and desire for death leading the individuals to God, there are many old testament stories of similar struggle in those who were faithful to God. Several Old Testament figures prayed for death, including Tobit (Tobit 3:6), Sara (Tobit 3:10-15), and Elijah (1 Kings 19:4-5). In these stories, we see God come through, meeting their misery with healing and his presence, through the angel Raphael or granting Elijah both rest and to hear His Voice more clearly.
Two more modern saints struggled with suicidal ideation in their life while living striving for holiness. St. Faustina wrote about here struggles quite clearly in her diary. Here is her account: “Once I took upon myself a terrible temptation which one of our students in the house at Warsaw was going through. It was the temptation of suicide. For seven days I suffered; and after the seven days Jesus granted her the grace which was being asked, and then my suffering also ceased. It was a great suffering. I often take upon myself the torments of our students. Jesus permits me to do this, and so do my confessors” (Divine Mercy in My Soul, p 192). While unique in that Faustina felt this temptation as one she was taking so another did not have to bear it, it shows the depth of suffering that thoughts of suicide can have, even for one who is close to God and relying on prayer. Lastly, I want to mention St. Therese. It is fairly well known that at the end of her life she experienced great trials and particularly felt far from God. This trial also included contemplating suicide as is documented by a thorough psychological profile of her life: “On Easter Sunday, 1896, she experienced an intense spiritual separation from God. It was a great trial of faith. This final separation would last 18 months until the end of her life, with only a few respites. It was during this separation she came to under- stand the temptation of suicide, the reality of the devil, and the growing evils of her times” (Vitz & Lynch, 2007, Link to Full Paper).
If you are struggling with suicide, I hope that these men and women can be intercessors for you and offer you hope that God is close even in this pain. If you have seen suicidal thoughts as a sign that a person is not close to or desiring holiness, I hope that these stories spark an interest in learning more about this suffering that others are experiencing. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, may these stories help you to trust in God’s merciful love and His desire to bring about healing in your pain as well.
More resources can be found at the lifeline’s website. This includes a simple overview of how to walk with someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts and resources if you yourself are struggling: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/