Last night, I heard a priest, Fr. D, talk about his past struggles with mental distress and self-mutilation in a holy hour reflection. I cried the entire time he was speaking.
This is a man whom I have only heard speak a few times, but feel a deep kinship with. He is raw and real in his prayers; he clearly speaks in prayer to One he intimately knows. Hearing this part of his story something in me broke. The pain he described that led him to cut, the distress and despair is something I know all too well, not just in the past but in the present. It hit me hard that in my 28 years of being Catholic- countless Masses, numerous retreats, discernment ventures, and work as a missionary- I’d never heard a religious sister or priest share this kind of deep struggle with mental illness or distress.
It had been a bad day yesterday and hearing this priest, this man standing in the place of Christ speak of a very similar distress in his own life was incredibly consoling. Knowing I am not alone in the Church, knowing that he gets it, and even more, the One he represents understands. True, these were struggles that were in his past. In a moment of particular despair, Fr. D had asked God to prove His existence and He did. In coming to Faith, his distress and wounds were healed. The scars remain though. Fr. D spoke about how much those marks on his arms remind him of the great transformation the Divine Physician has brought about and about the need he has for mercy and grace.
The struggle & mental distress doesn’t always end once we know God and His Love for us. Today’s reading (Jonah 4:1-11) from the story of Jonah gives evidence to that:
“[Jonah] prayed, ‘I beseech you, LORD,
is not this what I said while I was still in my own country?
This is why I fled at first to Tarshish.
I knew that you are a gracious and merciful God,
slow to anger, rich in clemency, loath to punish.
And now, LORD, please take my life from me;
for it is better for me to die than to live.’”
At first, this passage struck me as different from any experience of mental illness or distress that I am familiar with. Jonah is horrified at God’s goodness, that He would deign to forgive the atrocious sins of the Ninevites. Out of anger he would rather die than live with this truth. As I sat with this passage in prayer though, I realized how much our reactions to mental illness in the Church often reflect this same resistance to let God be God. It is uncomfortable to realize that we are not in control. It is so easy to slip into thinking that we can earn God’s love by being good and doing all the right things. Once we are following Him our lives will be continually blessed with success and abundance. Distress, homelessness, poverty, and mental illness are not found if we are honestly praying and following God’s will. Like Jonah, we run from truths that challenge our conception of God and what it means to follow Him. Jonah had already tried to run from this mission. Now, it was successful and he was angry at God for the conversions that came.
Maybe Jonah wanted a sense of control in a life that so often seems chaotic.
Maybe Jonah was angry at someone who hurt him and wanted to know God would bring about justice and not forgiveness.
Maybe Jonah was scared to admit that God really loved him, even if he were to sin as much as those Ninevites did.
Regardless, God was not going to let Jonah stay there. He used this mission and the Ninevites to challenge Jonah to grow, to expand his vision of who God is and how loved he himself was. We don’t know how Jonah responded to this correction God gave him. This is our time though, how do we respond in knowing that God’s mercy is available to those who do all the Catholic things and those that struggle with the basics? How can we reconcile that God is gracious and merciful, and yet our struggles with depression and anxiety remain? Do we view those who are struggling with mental illness as responsible for their own pain as a way of building a false security that it can’t happen to us? Wherever you are in your journey, God extends an invite to you today to grow a bit closer to Him.
Maybe your mental health struggles are in the past, completely healed by Christ. Take a moment today to reflect on how that distress brought you closer to God.
Maybe you are struggling day-to-day or minute by minute with mental illness. Be reassured that Christ is there, with you and around you as you struggle.
Maybe you have never been touched by mental illness. Pray for those who are and ask the Father how you can allow their struggles to bring you closer to Him.