Dear Church,
My Confirmation preparation was a life-changing experience for me, but it had nothing to do with my prep classes. In fact, I dreaded them, and as soon as I was confirmed, I left the youth programs and never went back.
I should have been an avid youth group member. I loved to learn, especially about the Church. I loved to be in a classroom, and I loved to be with friends in a classroom. The problem was, I had no friends in Confirmation class, and I didn’t know how to make any. In fact, I was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no one in my Confirmation class liked me — that, in fact, they despised or looked down on me — and I knew I could never change their minds.
The truth, which I realized later in life, was that none of my fellow students disliked me. They just didn’t know me, and I didn’t make it easy for them to do so. As a teenager with social anxiety disorder, my default assumption was that other people — particularly other teenagers — didn’t like me and that nothing I did could ever change their minds. I was just fundamentally unlikeable.
Now, as an adult with several years of therapy under my belt, I can see the faulty reasoning there — what my therapist calls the “evidence” that proves my “core belief” incorrect (not the least of which was the unconditional love I received from the parents who sent me to Confirmation class!). But I can also see the faults in the approach to Confirmation prep that allowed a 13-year-old girl with social anxiety disorder to slip through the cracks, to fall in love with the Church because of her accidental discovery of her patron saint, not because of anything the parish did to nurture that love. The faith formation leaders did their best, but they were not equipped to identify and support mental illness in a Confirmation classroom.
Here’s what I wish my parish had known:
Not every teenage girl is a social butterfly. Some will shrink into the shadows, making every attempt not to be seen by their peers.
An overnight retreat may be terrifying to some students. (That doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t require one, but find ways to make it easier for those students.)
It’s important to find ways to help students meet each other in natural (or as natural as possible) ways rather than allowing them to segment themselves by school or clique.
Catechists should get to know each of their students, especially the quiet ones, and figure out ways to get them involved with their peers and with the lessons.
Ultimately, some Confirmation candidates may slip through the cracks. Some are there because their parents are forcing them to, and some of them are there because they want to but don’t know how to fully engage with the process. Through empathy, compassion, and prayer, we can reach more of them. This former wallflower confirms it.
Love,
The Former Wallflower